Having A Baby
I feel like I’ve been pregnant for 2 years and just been knocked on the head with the panic of the reality….”OMG I’m having a baby”!
No, it not the traditional type of pregnancy that I’m talking about (my mother just had 100 different types of heart attacks seeing this post LOL), rather the birth of a creative child…my upcoming album. For those of you reading this judging the analogy between art and a human child, I ask you stay open to the correlation between the two. The hard work, sleepless nights, sense of responsibility, the exhaustion, the frustrations, the doubt, financial burdens, panic, overwhelm, over thinking, excitement, the village required to help prepare for the birth, the support you need around you to maintain your sanity….I could go on but I’m sure you’re starting to see the parallels.
Creating this child and nurturing it thus far has been the highest of euphoria’s as well as the lowest of depressions imaginable. The songs are a journal of my life over the last 2 years…discovering the truth of who I am, learning how to let go, my relationship with men, my relationship with me, my anger, my hopes for my life, my hopes for humanity, my vulnerability and fear of living this human life…it’s all in there raw and exposed.
To be honest with you, I listen to the song we’ve created (by we I mean myself together with album producer Luke Emrose (AKA evolutionary theory), Bastinado (Producer 1 song) and Steven St. Thomas (Producer 1 song) and I am in awe of it. I, like a mother, look at this album and am often brought to tears at the materialisation of this creation that has literally come from the truth of my soul. This perfectly stunning being that I will soon be responsible for. But with the impending birth comes the panic…”How will I know what to do next?”, “Will we get to see the world together?”, “What if I don’t know how to give this child everything she needs to reach her full potential?”, “What if I fail as the person who is responsible for this child?”, “Am I going to have all the help I need?”, “Will she be proud of me as her mother?”, “Will I know how to show her the love I feel?” ”How will I know to understand what she needs?”, “Will I maintain sense of self in this journey?”, “Am I sure I’m doing everything humanly and spiritually possible to provide for our family?”….
These are the fears and thoughts that swirl around in my mind, my body and my being all day and all night as an artist about to give birth, as a woman embarking on a new phase of my life’s journey, as a human trying to understand the world I live in. I sit here in front of the fire on this cold Sunday morning in Sydney and feel the life force of what I’m creating inside of me and I am brought to tears by the wonder of this creation and the purity from which it has been born. The fact that I have dared to take this journey humbles me to tears in this moment. The courage required to continue the journey terrifies me to my core. All I know is that I love this child more that I could have ever imagined and all I can do in this moment is breath and let the fears go…what comes next is unknown…that’s the whole point!